Baby, I’m sorry.

As a show of good faith and contrition in light of my infidelity, I’ve gotten you a gift.

“I can’t believe you thought you could bribe me with-”

“It’s not a bribe! It’s a gift! It’s a gift to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘Thank you for sticking with me despite my incredibly poor judgment.’ It’s a 64GB Apple iPad!”

“It’s refurbished!”

“It’s APPLE RECERTIFIED! That’s different! That’s better! You can play games and download apps and surf the web. Come on, I know you’ve wanted one of these!”

“Kobe’s wife got a huge diamond.”

“Well, if I had Kobe’s money you would too, okay? But I’m not working with Kobe money. And I guarantee if Kobe was a mid-tier Systems Administrator this is what he would buy his wife after drunkenly kissing his college girlfriend at a reunion dinner, okay?”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Apple

Condition: Apple Recertified

Features:

• A design that’s thin, light, and brilliant. This First Generation iPad has a 9.7-inch, high-resolution LED-backlit IPS display and incredible Multi-Touch capability. Yet it’s thin and light enough to take anywhere
• The best way to experience the web, email, photos, and video. Page through websites, write an email, flick through photos, or watch a movie with just the touch of a finger
• Right now you can discover over a thousand apps on the App Store made just for iPad — with more coming every day. And if that’s not enough, you can also run almost 200,000 iPhone apps
• Fast Internet access over Wi-Fi and 3G (AT&T only – 3G data plan must be purchased separately)
• Introducing iBooks. A new way to read and buy books. Download the free iBooks app from the App Store. More than a great ebook reader, it’s also an amazing place to browse and shop for books

Additional Photos:

• Bottom Profile
• Top Right Profile
• Top Left Profile
• Left Profile with SIM Card Slot Closed
• SIM Card Slot Open with Removal Tool
• Back
• Package Contents
• Packaging

In the box:

• Apple FC497LL/A iPad 64GB with Wi-Fi & 3G (First Generation) (AT&T only – 3G data plan must be purchased separately)
• USB Cable
• AC Adapter
• SIM Removal Tool

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

Welcome back to The United States of Songs, my quest to either find a new song to represent each state in the union or drive myself insane trying to turn these out week in and week out, whichever comes first. Come along with me, dear reader, to the Buckeye State!

The state: Ohio
The song: “O-H-I-O” by Ohio Players

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There no lyrics beyond “Ohio.” I don’t care. This song is awesome. And if anyone could use some funking up, it’s Ohio, whose state motto is “With God, all things are possible (except in Cleveland).” People tend to assume I share some affinity with the state or the city of Cleveland in particular on account of my last name, but aside from feeling happy for the Browns when they’re able to fool someone into letting them win once in awhile, I don’t know much about the place.

I’ve driven through Ohio four times, coming back and forth from the East Coast. Several years ago I briefly became enamored with a girl who was playing rugby for Ohio Northern University, but she went back to school and I moved to Los Angeles so that was that (Hi, Kris). I know it’s got a reputation as a pretty hard-luck state, similar to the troubles people tend to associate with places like Michigan: former manufacturing centers now shuttered, blue collar towns struggling to put people to work, that sort of thing. Even their sports teams have it rough. What springs to mind when I say the following names: Browns, Crew, Indians, Bengals, Reds, Cavaliers, and Blue Jackets. It wasn’t “champions,” was it?

But there’s some nice stuff about Ohio, too! I assume. There’s a lot of ancient history and culture there. Anthropologists think people were living there as far back as 13,000 BCE. The state’s been under French, British, and American rule in its lifetime, which is kind of unique. And hey, if you’re the “god-fearing Christian” type, Ohio’s got you covered: 76% of the population identifies as Christian, and the majority of those are Evangelical Protestants. So if that’s your thing, you’ll find a lot of people to get along with in Ohio, I guess. But don’t forget your education! Ohio’s one of the five largest state university systems in the US, processing over 400,000 students a year.

I’m giving Ohio a hard time, but the truth is I’ve known I’d give them this song since this project began. It’s fun, it’s funky, and it’s what a rust belt state needs: a song with some civic pride. Now answer this for me, Buckeyes: do you guys consider yourselves in the Midwest? The Northeast? Some other region I might not know of? I’ve always wondered, and I’ve heard differing opinions.

Want to complain about Randall’s slap in the face of Ohio? Got a better suggestion? Let us know in the comments below!

Runner-Up: “Ohio“ by Damien Jurado
Most Laughable Suggestion: “Ohio” by Modest Mouse

Flickr photo John Big Dawg Thompson by Erik Drost used under a Creative Commons License.

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

Nothing’s more important than family. Not speeding cars, not acid-spitting aliens, not spaceships with a ridiculous number of guns attached to the front, not anything. That’s why you don’t see any of that stuff we just listed in All That Matters. Instead, you’ll see this:

Walter’s a nice fella who looks like the dude on the Pringles’ can, and he’s a traditional kind of guy. Throughout the course of the game, he’s looking to reconnect with his family. You’ve got to roll Walter and his clan around the various levels, solving puzzles and picking up hearts. The more hearts they get, the more levels you unlock.

Walter’s also got a son, a baby, a wife and a crazy dad, all of whom roll differently. Sometimes you’ve got to save only one of them to complete a level. Sometimes you’ve got to save a few. Things get a little simpler once you’re used to jumping with the up arrow instead of the more-traditional spacebar. But other than that, All That Matters is just challenging enough to be fun. Until you hit this level right here:

From there on, the levels get hard and stay hard. But if you get stuck, don’t worry! Fail three times in a row and the game will invite you to skip ahead and struggle out the stragglers later.

If you’re really serious about this game you’ll find a wall of badges you can collect while you push for greater success, plus three bonus levels to unlock just for fun. If you try to 100% everything, All That Matters is pretty doggone challenging. But if you just want to kill some time at your desk and roll a family back together, All That Matters should prove a nice time-waster for a Friday afternoon. Tip for office types: hit mute before you click through, because you can’t turn off the sound until after the opening credits.

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

Shooting the Dead

Jeez, can we get one minute of footage without some paranormal stuff messing everything up?!

Cut! Cut! Cut! No Ryan, there’s nothing wrong with your delivery. Your muffled crying was perfect! It’s just that whispering voice in the wind again. You know, talking about “all who enter be warned” and “ye all shall bear witness” etc., etc.

Man, I would kill my location scout for getting us a haunted house, but then again, another ghost in this place and we’ll never get this movie done! I mean, what am I supposed to do with all this footage? It’s worthless! No one would ever buy it!

I figured, with this Samsung SwitchGrip HD Camcorder with 10x Schneider-Kreuznach Lens, I’d have no problem finishing this shoot. It can capture video in 1920 x 1080/60i HD. It’s got Optical Image Stabilization. It features a a 5MP BSI CMOS sensor, which dramatically reduces noise and distortion while also enhancing recording quality in low-light condition. What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, as it turns out, everything. And no, that wasn’t a joke, weird, echoing, maniacal laughter!

I just wanted to make a film, roughly 3 hours long, about a young husband and wife who buy an old house, fix it up (which would be the first hour and a half or so), in doing so realize the flaws in their relationship, and then go through a grueling divorce (the second hour and a half). That’s the kind of movie that people want to see.

They don’t want to see big, bright orbs appearing out of nowhere. They don’t want to see the eyes of a painting following the characters around the room. They don’t want to see the wife scream and run through the hallways being chased by a knife flying through the air as if propelled by its own volition. Movies are about exploring taboos, not scaring people.

Anyway, it sounds like the whispering’s died down, and the laughter’s trailed off to a chuckle. If we pick it up, who cares; we’ll just have to fix it in post. Sorry for ranting there, guys. Seriously, it’s been amazing working with you, Ryan, and you, Clarissa, and you too disembodied skull… oh, for crying out loud!

No, Clarissa, don’t scream! You’re just egging them on!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Samsung

Condition: New

Features:

• SwitchGrip technology ensures that when filming the LCD screen adapts to how the camcorder body is being held. Whether you are left- or right-handed, shooting in difficult positions or combining recording film with other activities, you can always maintain perfect control over your video
• Featuring an intuitive and clearly visible record button, the HMX-Q10 offers the best and most convenient operating system on the market, as it eliminates the need to have many separate buttons and keys to control the camcorder
• Easy Operation via the 2.7” wide LCD screen allows the user to perform a variety of functions, including a pause function allowing you to stop and work out the best angle for your recording experience, the ability to turn the camcorder on and off, and playback mode so users can immediately review their footage
• Captures video in 1920 x 1080/60i HD, and includes an OIS (Optical Image Stabilization) Duo system to compensate for hand-shaking better than ever before, creating a stable, clear video every time—even when walking or moving around
• Its 10x Optical Zoom Schneider-KREUZNACH Varioplan-HD lens provides incredible close-up detail, and the Smart Optical Image Stabilizer guarantees rock-steady shooting
• Includes a 5MP BSI CMOS sensor, which records with twice the sensitivity of normal CMOS sensors, dramatically reducing noise and distortion while also enhancing recording quality in low-light conditions, so great quality video can be captured in any situation
• Upgraded version of Samsung’s Smart Auto scene recognition technology, which analyzes key elements of the composition of the footage such as brightness, motion, color and subject and then selects the most appropriate settings to produce the best results possible
• Samsung Record Pause technology has also been introduced, allowing the user to take brief pauses in filming before re-starting, so they don’t need to merge files when finished
• With the intuitive LCD touch screen, powered by the new Smart Access UI, users can record and review their videos easily and enjoyably
• Easy Manual Mode setting, you can access and calibrate the entire breadth of easy-to-use manual features (White Balance, Exposure Values, Backlighting, Self Timer, and C.Nite) through the intuitive interface
• Streamlined and compact body can easily be carried anywhere

Specifications:

 Additional Photos:

• LCD Screen
• Battery Compartment
• Input/Output Connections
• Schneider Kreuznach Lens
• Package Contents
• Packaging

In the box:

• Samsung HMX-Q10 SwitchGrip HD Camcorder
• Rechargeable Lithium-Ion Battery
• AC Adapter
• AV Cable
• USB Cable
• CD Manual

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

I’m no etymologist. In fact, I only learned what “etymologist” means after spell check told me “wordtometrist” wasn’t a real word. Still, you don’t need to be all that etymoligious to break down a word like “metaphor.” It’s a simple two-parter:
 
Part 1: meta – an anagram for “meat.”
Part 2: phor – the more letters version of “for.”

See: that’s why metaphors are so interesting, because they’re essentially “meat for [thought].”

Now, has all this talk of thought meat gotten your brain thoroughly hungry? Good! Because it just so happens that the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership is serving up a few juicy metaphors today, specifically football metaphors for business. Check em out:
 
1. Football is a tough sport. Nothing comes easy, and there’s going to be a lot of contact. That’s why football players need to protect themselves by wearing pads and helmets. Business can be tough at times too, and if you want to get ahead you’re going need to protect your company. How? By doing stuff like getting copyrights and keeping your network secure and making all your employees wear football helmets in case a light fixture falls. 

2. In football, the player must take great care to hold on to the ball. After all, a fumble could cost the game. However, once a player gets into the end zone and scores a touchdown, then it’s to throw the ball to the ground and celebrate. Same goes for business: if there’s ever a time to smash your laptop to the floor and start dancing and yelling, it’s after you’ve done something really awesome for your company.

3. This year, the Super Bowl will be played in Indianapolis, even though one team is from New England and the other is from New York. This is just like it is in business: you can establish your business in whatever cool place you want, but no matter how hard you try, there’s just no avoiding Indiana.

4. Touchdowns aren’t the only way to score in football. If a team gets close to the end zone, but it looks like they’re not going to be able to get a full blown touchdown, they can always kick a field goal. Likewise, with your business, things don’t always work out exactly how you want them to, so you’ve got to be ready with a plan b. For example: if you want some buzz for your company, try to make a cool, useful product. Then, if that doesn’t work, aim to make something a little bit easier, like a noteworthy sandwich.

5. Football in America is different than football in Europe. It’s not just that they’ve got a few rules we don’t have; it’s like a whole different sport. Similarly, business in America is totally different than business in Europe. Or at least, that’s how it seems. I really can’t tell with all their silly accents.

Have a question? Or a good football metaphor of your own? Share it in the comments. (And if you’re wondering why I didn’t do something about commercials, it’s because I already did.)

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

Turn Off The World

I used to let people know I didn’t want to talk to them by staring blankly into a smartphone. That was until I thought about how rude I was being.

With that little screen, how was anyone truly supposed to know I was avoiding human contact? Most folks, they’d just stand around and wait for me to stop checking my Twitter or email or whatever, and then go right back to bothering me with their silly cat stories or unsolicited opinion of things I really couldn’t care less about. Even with headphones on, my message of introversion and solitude was completely going unappreciated.

That’s when I realized I needed to change my approach. Hiding behind something barely five inches long was getting me nowhere. If I was going to shun the outside world while being forced to be out in it, I was going to have to upgrade to a Toshiba Thrive 10.1” 16GB Android Tablet.

And let me tell you, this high-resolution 10.1” diagonal touchscreen display has done wonders for letting people know that I am busy doing things other than allowing them past the psychological walls I’ve so carefully worked to build over the years. Whether I’m on the bus, in the lunch room, or at the gym, I’m letting others know that the eBook, movie, music, or web browsing I’m engrossed in is much more important than they’ll ever be. Plus, with all the apps available for the Android 3.1 operating system, I’ll never run out of ways to ignore the general public! If only there was a way to fake a video chat using the front-facing 2MP camera, it’d be perfect.

And for those who still don’t get it? I’ve got a special desktop picture just for them! See? It says “GET AWAY FROM ME” in big red letters. You do see it, don’t you? Then why aren’t you doing what it says?

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Toshiba

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• With its high-resolution 10.1” diagonal wide-view LED-backlit display, Toshiba’s Thrive™ Tablet is well-sized for surfing the Web, movies, playing games, reading books and more. Engineered with our exclusive adaptive display technology; this screen adjusts brightness and contrast to the surrounding light conditions
• Get ready for the fastest, most visually-rich tablet experience you can get built around the world’s first mobile super-chip, NVIDIA® Tegra™ 2
• Forget about wimpy Web. Thanks to hardware-accelerated Adobe® Flash®, Toshiba’s Thrive™ Tablet delivers a complete Internet experience to help you explore, discover and interact
• Founded on the tablet-optimized Android 3.1 Honeycomb platform, designed from the ground up to improve your experience with devices just like it. In addition you’ll get full access to Google™ Mobile Services, Android Market™ Apps, customization tools and more
• Make older photos, clips and movies look and feel more like HD with this innovation that upconverts standard-def movies, improving sharpness and color in real-time
• Combines stereo speakers with custom sound enhancements to bring your movies, music and games to life in a way you probably never experienced before on a tablet
• Spread out, connect, expand and share with an array of full-size ports, including HDMI®, USB 2.0 and Mini USB, plus an SD card slot
• Chat, video conference and snap still pictures through a 2MP front webcam. And use a 5MP rear camera to capture photos & videos in high-def, or take advantage of augmented reality apps
• Slip-resistant, rubberized surface is comfortable to hold, so you’ll never miss a beat when chatting or emailing on the run

Additional Photos:

• Top Profile
• Bottom Profile
• Package Contents
• Packaging

Specifications:

In the box:

• Toshiba AT105-T1016 Thrive 10.1” 16GB Android Tablet with Wi-Fi
• AC Adapter
• USB Cable

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SALEM, Mass. (UPI) — The proprietor of the first witch shop in Salem, Mass., said she is closing the business after about 40 years.

Rumors point to the increase in black market secular knockoffs undercutting her prices while making it impossible for the consumer to tell which is witch.

SAN FRANCISCO (UPI) — A skateboard died after rolling through a red light in the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco, police said.

The skateboard is survived by its wife, a scooter, and their twins, a pair of roller skates.

LUBECK, Germany, Jan. 11 (UPI) — A handwritten letter by Ludwig van Beethoven reveals the German composer was displeased about his “low salary.”

Experts say the artist was furious at the new technology known as “sheet music” which allowed his ideas to be transcribed and freely shared.

LONDON (REUTERS) – Britain took the rare step of stripping former Royal Bank of Scotland chief Fred Goodwin of his knighthood, following intense criticism of his role in RBS’ near-collapse during the 2008 credit crisis, and public anger towards wealthy bankers.

Under penalty of law, Goodwin will no longer be allowed to move in a L-shape and will be forced to surrender his pretty horsey head.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Is democratic capitalism sowing the seeds of its own destruction, as Karl Marx predicted a century and a half ago?

And in a related story, the guy who writes headlines was finally revealed to be a sophomore Poli Sci major.

KILLYLEAGH, Northern Ireland (UPI) — A Northern Ireland woman whose father’s field was covered in tons of fish from an overturned truck said the scene was “like something out of the Bible.”

Religious officials say the famous “Parable Of The Overturned Truck” is often named one of the most moving passages in all of literature.

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

If all goes according to plan

The Neato XV-12 is an intelligent, efficient machine. That’s important to know when planning a heist.

Here are the facts as we have them:

1. Millionaire Marco Vidalli is notoriously clumsy.

2. Having come by his fortune through less-than-legal means, he fears having his actions recorded, and so has no surveillance system in his mansion.

3. His Neato XV-12 All Floor Robotic Vacuum picks up, on average, 7 precious stones which he has carelessly dropped onto the floor each day.

4. The Neato XV-12 generally finishes its cleaning around 3:15pm, at which time it returns automatically its base, where Hensley Thompson, Vidalli’s butler, is waiting for it.

5. Thompson then takes the precious stones from the Neato’s dirt bin, returns them to their proper display cases, and then empties what is left – dirt, debris, and pet hair – into the trash.

6. Thompson is 6’8”, 250 points, bench presses 390, and is trained in several illegal and deadly martial art forms.

7. He acts without hesitation, and has hospitalized at least three guests who were caught cheating at Vidalli’s weekly poker game.

8. He has a soft spot for horses.

9. During his free time, he often watches televised rodeo broadcasts and weeps.

10. He has only ever seen a horse in the flesh once (it was in a parade) and those close to him say he was so rapt with it that he could barely move or speak for some time, even after the horse had disappeared around the corner.

Therefore, in order to pull off a heist, we must:

A. Successfully scale the fence surrounding the estate.

B. Make it through the orchard without getting spotted by the guards.

C. Find an unlocked window to enter the mansion.

D. Catch the Neato in its final room (for maximum precious stone load) and trap it by closing the door (thus removing the “recognized doorway”).

E. Secure the precious stones from among the dirt, debris, and pet hair.

F. Distract Thompson so that he does not notice that the Neat-O is returning late.

G. Re-trace our steps back out the window, through the orchard, back over the fence, to our getaway car.

Chances of completing steps A-C and G with horse: Low

Chances of completing step F without horse: Impossible

And therein lies the problem.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Neato

Condition: New

Features:

• Product Video
• Designed to meticulously clean floors on a daily basis, this all-floor robotic vacuum cleaner covers every inch of your floors, smartly seeing and working around furniture, stairs, and more. A simple user interface allows you to schedule it to clean your rooms while you are away.
• Neato’s laser-based Room Positioning System gives the robot vacuum a full 360-degree view of a room so it can create a map of the room, detecting walls, doorways, furniture and other obstacles.
• Using its map, the Neato avoids most obstacles that other robots can only detect by impact. Just press the Start button and your Neato determines the best cleaning path to clean the floors using its unique, methodical straight-line pattern.
• Once it finishes cleaning one entire room, it drives through one of the “recognized doorways,” to start cleaning the next room. And, with its powerful vacuum suction, it picks up all your dirt, debris, and pet hair on your floors.
• Bonus accessories include:
  – 1 Replacement Squeegee Blade
  – 4 Extra Filters
  – 6 Replacement Brush Blades
• It’s Smart – The Room Positioning System (RPS) is the proprietary technology that makes Neato as smart as–sometimes smarter–than a human housekeeper.  Go ahead and rearrange the furniture: Neato will adapt its course without missing a beat.
• It’s Powerful – The high-performance vacuum inside your robot works in a precise back-and-forth motion, picking up even tiny specks, and easily sliding under sofas, tables and beds.
• It’s Simple – Just charge it up, press the Start button, and watch it work. Once it’s finished in one room, it will begin working in the next–or return automatically to its base for recharging and resume cleaning where it left off.
• Schedule everyday cleaning with a few simple button presses and your house is always ready for guests, even when you’ve been out all day.
• It works on all floor types–carpet, rugs, hardwood, Pergo, and tile–so you never have to clean another floor, even in your bathroom.
• It uses the most powerful vacuum system with efficient air flow and suction to clean up dirt, dust, and pet hair
• Easy to Use – Just press start and it cleans for you
• Low maintenance design means you just need to empty the dirt bin between cleanings
• Neato cleans using a back and forth pattern, ensuring that it thoroughly cleans all of your floors
• Largest dirt bin in a robotic vacuum—its easy to access and empty
• Designed as a true vacuum with a beater brush and the strongest suction available in any robotic vacuum cleaner
• Scuff-free navigation: At the vacuum’s core is a centrifugal compression impeller that follows jet engine airflow principles. It creates sustained high-powered suction, allowing the Neato to thoroughly pick up dirt and debris

In the box:

Neato XV-12 Robotic Vacuum Cleaner

• (1) Charging Base

Accessory Kit includes:

• (1) Replacement Squeegee Blade
• (4) Replacement Filters
• (6) Replacement Brush Blades

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Good Reputation vs. An Extensive Knowledge of Astronomy in terms of Getting the Last Bit of Toothpaste out of the Tube

If you know astronomy, it means you see the big picture. You understand the phases of the moon. You can name all the stars. You’ll know about a meteor shower or eclipse before it happens. And all of this is impressive, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not at the right scale for toothpaste. How could you possibly care about a tiny dollop of tooth-cleaning goo when you’ve got entire galaxies to keep track of? It’s impossible! Meanwhile, you get good reputation how? By being a good person and taking care of the little things.

Advantage:

A Good Reputation

2. A Podium vs. The Hood of Your Car in terms of A Dinner Table

The podium is to the traditional table as the wolf is to a dog, if wolves were smaller, taller, and did more press conferences than dogs. Meanwhile, the hood of a car is not in the table family at all. However, that doesn’t mean it should be ruled out. It is an expansive surface after all, big enough to hold several plates. On top of that, it’s portable, stylish, and keeps your food warm! All you need to do is fire up the engine.

Advantage:

The Hood of Your Car

3. Bird Watching vs. Math in terms of Predicting the Outcome of the Super Bowl

Look, you can stand around a chalk board all day, looking at statistics, making calculations, drawing conclusions, etc., etc. But here’s the thing: all those numbers, do they know what it feels like to soar through the air like a football? Do they know what it’s like to fly? To free themselves from gravity’s pull if only for a moment? No! They have no idea! So now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be taking these binoculars into the woods for a few hours, and when I get back, I’m calling my bookie.

Advantage:

Bird Watching

The Rebuttal of the Week for last week goes to user Lomky who had this insight to add to the “Fork vs. Prolonged Eye Contact in terms of Soup” debate:

The Fork gets a chance when you think of Eye contact as physical contact with your eye, instead of staring. I’d take eating soup with a fork over soup eye drops any day.

Touché, Lomky! Touché! Now it’s your turn. Got a bone to pick with any of the above three comparisons? Post it below, and I may admit that you’re right next week.

Photos:“Me with Mark Hamill” by flickr user, Alan Light; “Hood Ornament” by flickr user, Moriar; “Bird Watch @ Belur” by flickr user, Ashok666. All used under a Creative Commons License.

Buy this item @ Woot! – One Day, One Deal

My Hungry Valentine

Yes, we’re really selling delicious chocolate covered salted caramels. No, we haven’t magically changed bodies with Wine.Woot.

Okay, we’re not gonna say that nobody’s ever put a curse on us, but a quick look in the mirror proves we’re neither Lindsay Lohan nor Jamie Lee Curtis. From this, all we can conclude is that these Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels must be exactly where we intend them to be.

Naturally, people will be curious as to our reasons. “A box of Milk and Dark chocolates on Woot.com?” they’re saying even now. “When did a site known for crazy deals turn into a bunch of chocolatiers?” The answer to that question is “the moment we figured out that Valentine’s Day was coming up.”

If reading that sent a nervous rush zipping down your spine… here you go. Artesian salt, slow-cooked buttery caramel, premium Guittard milk and fine chocolate, all mixed together into two pounds of delicious candy that will almost certainly score you love points regardless of your gender. Plus we’ve pulled some strings to make sure your order arrives in time for Valentine’s Day. See? The candy isn’t the only thing that’s pretty sweet.

So let’s worry about vacuums and computers and all that crap tomorrow. Today’s a day for worrying about proving your worth to the person you love. We think two pounds of Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels will do the trick pretty well.

But if you want to be sure, maybe order an extra? Can’t hurt to provide a little cover. You probably did a lot of stupid things last year that you’ve forgotten about.

Manufactured in a facility where peanuts, almonds, cashews, pecans, hazelnuts, walnuts, coconut, wheat, soy, milk and egg are used.

Fleur de Sel Caramels:

• This delightful collection is the perfect balance of salty and sweet
• A sprinkling of fleur de sel French salt turns our already delicious milk and dark chocolate caramels into an extraordinary experience
• The combination of gourmet artisan salt, slow cooked buttery caramel, and premium Guittard milk and dark chocolate brings a harmonious blend of flavors to your palate
• Dark Chocolate Ingredients: Chocolate liquor, sugar, cocoa butter, milk fat (butter), soya lecithin, and vanilla
• Milk Chocolate Ingredients: Sugar, cocoa butter, milk, chocolate liquor, soya lecithin, vanilla and vanillin an artificial favor, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Whipping Cream, Butter, Soya Lecithin, Vanilla and Salt

Additional Photos:

• Package Contents
• Packaging

Nutrition Facts:

• Serving Size 32g
• Servings per container approx 56
• Calories 120 Per Serving
• Calories from fat 60 Per Serving

% Daily Value

• Total Fat: 7g / 11%
• Saturated Fat: 4g / 20%
• Trans Fat: 0g
• Cholesterol: 10mg / 3%
• Sodium: 150mg / 6%
• Total Carbohydrate: 16g / 5%
• Dietary Fiber 1g / 4%
• Sugars 12g
• Protein 1g
• Vitamin A 2%
• Vitamin C 0%
• Calcium 2%
• Iron 4%

Percentage of daily values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

Special Information: A physical street address is required for delivery. FedEx and/or UPS will not be able to deliver these to PO BOX or MILITARY addresses

In the box:

• 28 Pieces of Dark Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels (White dish NOT included)
• 28 Pieces of Milk Fleur de Sel Chocolate Covered Caramels (White dish NOT included)

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