Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
GLENDALE, Calif. (UPI) — Animal welfare authorities in Glendale, Calif., said they are trying to catch a free-range chicken frequently spotted wandering into traffic.
Authorities are urging the chicken to turn itself in, saying they just want to ask it a question.
BRUSSELS (UPI) — Spain is weighing the pros and cons of lifting the European Union’s 1989 arms embargo against China, a spokesman for the Spanish EU presidency says.
The arms embargo has not yet been lifted because, by law, no one can have any arms with which to lift.
NEW YORK (UPI) — U.S. comedian Sinbad is to star in his first televised stand-up special in 13 years, Comedy Central said Monday.
Fans have expressed hope he will again fight those cool Claymation skeletons.
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (UPI) — Six members of a sorority at Rutgers University in New Jersey have been charged with aggravated assault for allegedly paddling pledges.
The district attorney is allegedly preparing for the case by watching a videotape of the incident over and over and over and over and over again.
PRAGUE, Czech Republic (UPI) — The Czech Republic official in charge of decisions on compulsory swine flu vaccinations says he himself has caught the virus.
Reports are that he plans to pay for his health care by selling off his collection of ten thousand spoons.
WASHINGTON (UPI) — Adm. Mike Mullen said he will talk with a Senate panel about how the repeal of the U.S. military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy on gays might be implemented.
Early reports hint it may involve asking or telling.
CHICAGO (UPI) — Media titan Oprah Winfrey has adopted a pair of 14-week-old Springer Spaniel puppies, a Chicago animal shelter confirmed.
Guests are expected to no longer be as happy when told they have a surprise under their seats.
NEW YORK (UPI) — Sterling Children’s Books says it plans to publish a picture book based on U.S. music icon Bob Dylan’s song “Man Gave Names to All the Animals.”
Sources say the animals, as dictated by Dylan himself, will include the “Fuh”, the “Buddafuh”, a “Waz wuz” and the much-beloved “Befuzzle Huzzlebay Tuzzwack”.
Sometimes we just have a deal that comes up last minute and we just have to get it out. This is one of these watches. It’s like that one time on your fantasy football team where you were perusing free agents and stumbled across Adrian Peterson that another owner accidentally dropped from his team. Score! It was like that. In fact, we actually had something else planned for today, but this one became available, so we snatched it up and threw it online just in time. Today’s deal of the day is this Timex Expedition men’s watch. It’s a stylish, durable, everyday watch, that’s not that expensive, and due to our recent acquisition, we’re able to offer it at an even lower price. But we don’t have a ton of these, so don’t wait until the last minute, since it will likely sell out before midnight. Check out the features below, and as always, this daily deal is guaranteed genuine, guaranteed new, and guaranteed to flying-ninja-kick the crap out of your friends’ eyeballs (it’s that cool). It also comes with the JomaDeals 2-year warranty, so if anything goes wrong, we’ll fix it for free. So buy today while the gettin’ is good. We have great deals every day, but this specific one won’t come around again for awhile.
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