Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
BERKELEY, Calif. (UPI)—Officials at the University of California-Berkeley said volunteer students and staff rolled a record-setting 330-foot California sushi roll.
A spokesperson for the King Of All Cosmos said that if it was his roll, it would have been much bigger.
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI)—A Washington vendor of hard-to-sell items said he is trying to sell three cars custom-built for Adolf Hitler, one for driving through war-torn streets.
In his personal specifications for the cars, Hitler insisted that the passenger seat has always historically been part of the driver’s seat, just in case the driver needed a little more lebensraum.
GENEVA, Switzerland (UPI)—Experts were trying to determine Thursday how a piece of bread made its way into the Hadron collider in Switzerland, shutting it down for a couple of days.
Scientists also removed a small sign that read “Last Exit Before Quantum Tunnel! Gas, Food, Motel”
LOS ANGELES (UPI)—Despite their long fangs, male saber-toothed tigers may have been less aggressive than other big cats of their time, researchers in California said.
New research impiles that the saber-toothed tigers were docile, intelligent, and often jumped back in the window when their loud, boisterous caveman owner was locked outside.
LONDON (UPI)—British actor Simon MacCorkindale said he was diagnosed with bowel cancer more than three years ago and it has since become terminal.
But on the plus side, Manimal is no longer the lowest point of his career.
HAIFA, Israel (UPI)—Israeli researchers say synthetic marijuana helped rats under stress recover sooner from emotional trauma.
Scientists added that the tests also led to a tiny tie-dye party, six new subscriptions to High Times magazine, and a group sing-along to “Buffalo Soldier”.
ATHENS, Greece (UPI)—Greek researchers say mom was right when she said “wolfing down your food will make you fat.”
However these findings are disputed by Roman researchers, who argue that “wolfing down your food can help you and your twin brother found a city that will change the world.”
ITALY, Vatican City (UPI)—A top astronomer has told a conference in Vatican City the belief that life exists in other parts of the universe “does not clash” with Catholicism.
The Church then went on to draw a line down the center of the known Universe, giving all the planets on the left to Spain and all the planets on the right to Portugal.